The Fixer

I'm back here again, although strangely it doesn't feel as cold as I remember it being when I took that photograph. Maybe I'm getting more used to it. Like a whale perhaps.

Anyway - the work arrived, by courier, last night. The courier phoned about 7 pm:

"Where am I?"

"What?"

"I can see a church and a telephone box. I'm terrified."

"What?!?!"

"My Sat Nav says I've still got eleven miles to go but I can't keep going on this it's awful - it's like glass."

"Oh right. Ermm. Where are you?"

"I don't know, I can see a church and a telephone box. The Sat Nav says I'm on the B871."

"No you can't be on the B871 - that road is pure glass."

"I've never been so scared in my life. I think I'll turn round."

"I don't think that's a good idea, if Sat Nav reckons you're only eleven miles away the best bet is to keep coming - but for Gods sake be careful!"

"Careful aye. What's your local hotel like?"

"It's fine, in fact it's where I'll meet you - there's no point in trying to get to my house."

"If I get there I'll stay the night."

"Aye OK - phone me when you get there and I'll come and buy you a pint."

About an hour later - that'll be an average speed of about 11 mph (18 km/h).

"I'm here."

I set off for the pub to go collect my package - (expecting it to be a CD).

You know how, if you are in a certain situation, you sort of tend to imagine other people are in the same situation? No? Well I do. We've been cut off for weeks, and the lane going to the village is sheet ice, and so all our neighbours are cut off right?

Well no. I slipped my way the 200m or so up to the track to the neighbours and suddenly the lane was cleared - it had been very heavily gritted, sometime between me collecting the paper Sunday morning and about 8pm yesterday. At this point one could easily plunge into paranoia - I mean why leave us out? IT'S NOT FAIR!

Anyway - by the time I got to the pub, the courier driver had decided to drive on to Thurso. He told me again about how terrifying the drive had been getting here - the worst he'd ever encountered in 20 years of courier driving - but he'd seen lots of deer and that was lovely and he was from the country himself* but he'd never seen roads like it. I told him he was bloody lucky and a bloody fool to trust his sat nav like that.

Then he went and opened up the van and gave me my package - which turned out to be a huge box full of paper. Not all that heavy, but very large and awkward. We said our goodbyes and I lumbered into the bar wondering how the uck I was supposed to carry it home. When I told the story of the courier in the bar they were aghast:

"But that roads glass - no-one is driving on that."

Later I was staggering home when a not quite neighbour happened to stop and offer me a lift. Thank you! And the glory of 4x4 with winter tyres! She drove slowly and carefully, but really our lane was no problem for her. I mentioned the strange phenomena of the grit that exhausted itself at neighbours rather than continuing on to ours and she said we needed to phone Xena The Warrior Princess.**

This morning Jussi phoned Xena. After a few questions she said she'd see what she could do. Ten minutes later she phoned to say the lane would be clear in an hour. A Fixer indeed.

Having said that - the promise was made over two hours ago and nothing has happened yet - a call to Xena has confirmed that her merry band has a problem with their trailer. I've dug out the van and we're ready to go. Jussi has phoned the hay suppliers and got them to risk life limb and tractor to get hay ready for us (their yard is wet ice as well) - but now she's chomping madly awaiting the green light.

Meanwhile, I've got work to do. And quite a lot of it. I forecast thin bloggings for a while.

* Longniddry as it turned out - Is that country?

** The name has been changed to maintain anonymity